suicidal ideations

[stan]

having suffered until today, knowing you will be very very better(maybe in 2/3 years); making an end and losing all you efforts, it is not worth;
it will last just a few years, you can fight this; people have worse trauma than we have;
i know when we are in the hole and i was, it is difficult to imagine, but yes, we will improve; i am worse than you and fight also, and have every month little improvements which give me hope; and i think you are not the worst case, if i would be in your place, i would already be healed 80/90% i think

[grandmaD]

I was suicidal the most when I CT. After that, just wished I could die, but only because I felt trapped and there was no way out and because I suffered so much physical pain. Depression was worst when I CT.

[grandmaD]

You have to tell yourself that these thoughts come from the evil drug, they are NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. I told myself that I refuse to give any glory to GSK for killing me!

[Junior]

I still think there is a grieving process going on here. I know I went through a bit of it myself, in the early weeks after having to reinstate and then suffering the kindling effect. I just wanted my life back. Quickly. Even after I discovered PP and read about all those people tapering really slowly, I refused to believe I was ever going to become one. That only happened to other people. Looking back, I can see I was in denial. Here I am around 3 years later, still tapering at a snail's pace and quite relaxed about the process taking another 2 or more years.

Iggy – You are already able to cope with w/d better than you were a couple of months ago. You are really trying to learn and master this situation, and you are succeeding, step by step.

Sheila is right, you are doing better and better all the time, even if it is not obvious to you. Nodoubt this is the hardest thing you have ever had to go through, but you are growing right now and will see how you have grown down the track, when things improve.

It is very humiliating and guilt-inducing for all of us to not be able to function as well as we are used to, and to find ourselves unable to control our behavior, and to find ourselves treating others is a way we would prefer not to. We have all done it.

Being unable to control our situation is extremely difficult. I confronted the same thing when I desperately wanted another baby but couldn't. I went through a range of emotions, I bargained with and turned my back on God, I lose direction in life, I even lost my 'self' ... but here I am, doing well, loving life, and still striving to achieve things and improve myself. For me the turning point was when my therapist helped me to learn to live more 'in the moment'. I didn't realise it at the time (back in 1998/99) but he was teaching me 'mindfulness'.
Other things that helped were putting a frame around a period of time - in your case you could say maybe 2-3 years (I'd be very surprised if you weren't fully recovered, or very close to it by then) and looking at what you need to do during that time, in order to cope.

It is a process. You will get better at being able to work with your own symptoms. You will come up with more strategies for coping.

This is also part of the process of grieving - 'learning to live without the deceased' or, in this case, learning to live life whild still going through w/d.

Think of it this way – you are treating yourself the way some unempathic person who does not understand or believe in w/d would treat you. You are condemning yourself for being sick and overwhelmed, instead of having compassion for this good-hearted person who has been thrown into a war zone with no preparation.

I know you have worked with people with disabilities. I imagine you can be quite compassionate and sympathetic. Well, actually, I *know* you can from first-hand experience! Try to direct some of those values towards yourself.

I fully support what Sheila says here. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are already doing everything you can. No one can ask any more of you than that. Maybe now you need to give yourself permission to take all the time you need for your body to heal.

[Luc]

You are very very close to being off of the drugs completely. Every single day brings you closer to getting your life back. All those obsessive thoughts are "synthetic", they are not real you. You will heal. Focus on the success stories. So many many people felt the way you are feeling at the present moment, but all ended well.

[Sheila]

I do think it’s likely that you will be fully healed in 2-3 years. You could feel quite good at least some of the time any minute now.

But, since I can’t predict the future very well yet – I’m working on that :) – let me also point out to you that every single person I know who has had a longer, grueling w/d, is *still* glad they’re alive and wants to live.

So, not only do you not know what will happen in the future, you also don’t know how you will feel about it.

The most important thing for suicidal people to remember is that their feelings will change. It is absolutely inevitable. Your feelings will change. You will not feel the way you do now.

And life constantly changes. There are always new, unpredicted developments. We at IAWP may very well be in the vanguard of coming up with a strategy for shortening w/d. You might contribute centrally to that discovery.

I’m very glad you are telling your mother about your suicidality and asking for her help. Have you also made it clear to your husband?

I’m still not convinced that the main reason you want to kill yourself is that you are afraid you will be unhappy in the future. I’m tending to think the main reason you want to kill yourself is that you feel terribly angry at yourself for being sick. This connects with the grieving that Junior is talking about. You seem to be absolutely furious with yourself for not being the way you were before.

You’re going through a terrible time in your life, *and* you’re punishing yourself for it.

As Junior says, this challenge is really going to make you grow. You are being pushed to develop a more mature, sophisticated relationship with yourself that doesn’t depend on being perky and competent in order to like yourself. It’s easy to feel good about yourself when things are going well; the challenge is to feel good about yourself when things are tough.

P.S. I don’t know if you know this, but it’s very common to go through a period in early w/d when you feel no strong feelings of love for anyone, including children, spouses, pets, dear friends. This can also happen *on* these evil drugs. People get divorced or look at their children and animals with apathy. Then, the feelings come back automatically, and it is both hugely relieving and shocking to see how much one was under the influence of an alien force.

[squirrel]

I don’t know if you know this, but it’s very common to go through a period in early w/d when you feel no strong feelings of love for anyone, including children, spouses, pets, dear friends. This can also happen *on* these evil drugs. People get divorced or look at their children and animals with apathy. Then, the feelings come back automatically, and it is both hugely relieving and shocking to see how much one was under the influence of an alien force.
This happened to me Sheila and you are right and the feelings did come back, i have been married for 35 years and suddenly I hated my hubby, and my kids and it grieves me to admit it but I realise now it was'nt me although I think my hubby is having a harder time accepting this.

[Iggy131313]

just wanted to say wow 35 years, congrats!!

Its wonderful that you still have love for your hubby at 35 years, and that you can FEEL it again...

Is your hubby upset with your behaviour towrds him and your kids from that time then S?

I dont dislike my son, he is 4 and the centre of my world, and I know that I love him but I just cant feel it, BUT the cats, HA! Cant stand them, and I used to love them to bits..

Hubby, same as my son, but I have more resentment towards him, Im jelous, VERY jelous of how his life is continuing as it always has and I do try to stop myself showing it but its hard

[squirrel]

I know that Jealousy toward hubby big time! I never hated my kids but just could not feel the love that I used to feel same for hubby and its this loss of empathy and compassion that i find very hard to deal with. Its like its all been removed. you see it in movies people like robots. very scary.

[Iggy131313]

so you still have the loss of empathy? I thought you said the feelings came back?

and yes I am quite a robot, I try to pretend not to be, well I dont even pretend, I feel my body going through the motions of comforting my boy when he has growing pains in the night, but I dont feel sorry for him, I do logically, but not emotionally, I wonder if thats because Im so tied up with myself, or if its w/d. I guess Ill find out one day