suicidal ideations

[Luc]

Going back to something that caused all that suffering in the first place would be the worst of choices. And yes, those obsessive thoughts can be unbelievably intense, Iggy. But, look at it this way, you have been able to hold on all this time, so you have proven to yourself you are strong enough to NOT give up. Don't treat it as a monolithic thing too. Because you feel the way you feel right now, doesn't mean that tomorrrow won't be different. Though I know what absurd this neuro-stuff is... I really do...

[m&m]

The steroid post struck a nerve with me since I have to start them next week!! Chemo was moved to then.

At the present moment I am not on any medicine ..... But, I now have this list of drugs that the doctors want for my treatment that I will be starting:

Taxotere / Carboplatin (Chemo)
Herceptin (Her2 Treatment)
Decadron (Steroid)
Aloxi (IV drug for Nausea)
Emend (IV drug ... nausea?)
Ondansetron (nausea) (*as needed)
Prochlorperazine (nausea) (*as needed)
Lorazepam (*I know this is a benzo so I might not take it, they want me to take for sleep at night)

What happened to this person on PP who took the steroids, was it like another adverse reaction? I HOPE NOT because that was the worst night of my entire life

I am carrying through with treatment. I do feel like I want to die MANY times, but as we all know, we just want to be saved and the pain to end... not die.

And for me, I'd rather die fighting and with some dignity. My son deserves that at least... for me to try.

Last night I was feeling your pain Iggy. Well technically it was my own pain, but you described it very well in your post. It was this huge overwhelming feeling accompanied by hopelessness and suicidal thought... and feeling like a horrible excuse for a mother. (THIS WAS BEFORE I READ YOUR POST) I was so distraught, that my mom had to come over and calm me down AND spend the night with me. I hate living like this. Like you said, at least we had 30+ years of a good life we were blessed with. This current state is just no life at all, BUT we must press on.

Praying God embraces you and gives you the comfort and strength to carry through. But most of all, I pray that God heals the mind, body and soul completely. I'm sorry for your loss Iggy.

[Iggy131313]

I have sent you a mesage on FB m&m dont owrry about the steriods, the guy had a true adverse reaction to ssris in the first place and he said this reactionwas not as bad, Im really sorry to have worried you. Thanks for your support

[Luc]

Please, do not borrow worry, M&M. You have already healed *a lot*. And you can always keep the "as needed" drugs to a minimum. We are sending you the Good Energy!

[Claudius]

Iggy I am shocked to read this. We really do not want to lose you on IAWP as a statistic .
I can assure you, my life in WD was a living hell. Many times I was convinced I would not make it out alive, and I would never come over the trauma of WD.
But I can also assure you, when the most torturous symptoms of WD are behind you, you can hardly remember them. Though I am still suffering from residual issues, I have healed a lot last few years and I was really a total and utter human wreck the first 2 years of WD.
If I can heal, you can! I have no kids but also stayed alive for my mother. She is very fond of still having me under the living. And so are my friends.
Do not give up, you will get better. Maybe not this year, but it will happen.

[Iggy131313]

thankyou claudious, your post made me cry.

and Luc, and selia and stan and cosette and m&m and junior, Im just so scared. thankyou so much

[Iggy131313]

But Claudious, you didnt have this anxiety did you? and I worry that Im so scared of the anxiety that even if I healed it will still be there because Im already so scared of it

[Sheila]

As for not hating myself, well I cant see a way out of that one, I was so stupid and this person who does not even qualify as a human being is not me, and I hate her, I hate everything about her, I feel like someone has taken me over and is impersonating me in a terrible way, the anti-me has taken over. I dont even like being called caroline anymore because shes gone and this person is NOT her.

On the way home frm picking my son up today he was chatting away of course as Im dragging him down the pavement as fast as I can from agitation and all I could say was ''I see'' to EVERYTHING that he said, and I was thinking ''why do I keep saying that'' but Im so focused inward I can hardly hear what hes saying anymore, and I cant stop it Sheila, I cant stop it, thats what makes me ashamed, I feel so selfish but I cant seem to get outside of myself and my own suffering and fears for the future…..

Do you think I will be able to stop the obssessing about w/d, do you think that my obsession is a w/d symptom in itself?

Iggy – You are already able to cope with w/d better than you were a couple of months ago. You are really trying to learn and master this situation, and you are succeeding, step by step.

It is very humiliating and guilt-inducing for all of us to not be able to function as well as we are used to, and to find ourselves unable to control our behavior, and to find ourselves treating others is a way we would prefer not to. We have all done it.

It is a process. You will get better at being able to work with your own symptoms. You will come up with more strategies for coping.

Think of it this way – you are treating yourself the way some unempathic person who does not understand or believe in w/d would treat you. You are condemning yourself for being sick and overwhelmed, instead of having compassion for this good-hearted person who has been thrown into a war zone with no preparation.

I know you have worked with people with disabilities. I imagine you can be quite compassionate and sympathetic. Well, actually, I *know* you can from first-hand experience! Try to direct some of those values towards yourself.

[Iggy131313]

I am Sheila, very patient and sympathetic, and I promise you if I thought that I would be healed in a couple of years then I would be able to handle this alot better......do you think there is a good chance that I will be better in a coule of years, I know you cant predict the future, but from everyone you have seen do you think I have a very good chance of healing in 2 or 3 years? Im young, and I was only on 1 drug, Im scared, but I need to find a way to cope better...

I think one of the problems is that I dont want to cope, today Im ashamed to say I spend hours researching how to kill myself and decided and nice Herion overdose was a good idea, I need to tell my mum to come and look after me when my husband takes our son to Italy in Septyember because this is when I keep planning to kill myself, I went a step furtgher today and made enquiries amongst some very didgey people I know about getting heriOIN, i learned how to prepare it and what doses can be fatal...I can say this now becuase its past midnight and I am calmer and I know now that its not what I should do, but Im not in control most times and im a danger to myself..its not good is it?

anyway, Im going to ring my mum tomorrow and tell her what Im doing, although I will say that the whole herion overdose thing is a good backup plan, always have a plan B eh?

thanks again for all your help

[Iggy131313]

the other thing is that I dont think Im coping better than I was, Im doing alot worse, this isbecause I have learnt so much more and realised a few things

At first I thought everyone healed, and that everyone healed within a couple of years...so I had so much more hope, I could cope with that

I also thought that once it was over that life would return to normal, I didnt know about all the things you are left with for life like the drug sensitivities and generally a much more sensitive cns

I have seen that people go BACK in a bad place after taking certain drugs or too high doses etc once they have healed - although I have only seen a few cases, one tried taking an ssri again after 3 years and had an adverse reaction, one was the steroid, and Nolex took very high levels of iron and has been ill for 2.5 years since, not as bad as her reaction but still poorly again, with anxiety

I also didnt realise quite how bad my situation was in that I was on 40mg for a year and then went down to 20 for 1.5 years, CTed and then had an adverse reaction - this is VERY bad - I stupidly thought that my situation was ok becuase I was only on the drug for a reletivly short time and thought that mattered, it seems it does not

and also I didnt know that coming off this was going to get worse, that Im going to go back to that place I was in when I had my adverse reaction, unable to move from terror etc, unable to speak, wetting myself in confusion

So on the whole, doing alot worse because of everything I have found out and as a consequence lost all the hope I had when I believed I would be better in 18 months.

Not coping well, but no one can do anything about that, all I can do is hope pray to God that I WILL heal from this, although the damage is significant in my case. sadly.