suicidal ideations

[Iggy131313]

So my daily thread on symptoms

who here still feels suicidal on a daily basis? or less, maybe once per week?

I seem to constantly have suicidal thoughts, everything I see, a car driving past I see myself throwing myself in front of it and then cursing that Im not brave enough to do it, I look at the front of my house and imagine me hanging from the upstairs window...its not intrusive thoughts I dont think..... because this is what i WANT..I *do* want to die, its my 2nd biggest wish (the first being to recover) because even if I do recover I cant see how I would ever overcome the trauma of this and I have only been suffering for 7 months.

I sooth myself as you know by imagining I have only 2 weeks to live and then day dream about how wonderful it would be to die with my husband next to me and knowing I dont have to suffer anymore or deal with the rest of my life, or let my son grow up with a disgrace of a mother that he now has, I HATE myself, if only it were easier I would have done it by now, but I fear if I try that I will fail, and the fail proof ways of suicide are so violent I dont have the guts to do it, pathetic.

Is this what I REALLY want? is this a w/d symptom? I dont know anymore but I know that if I had the chance to die in my sleep tonight I would TAKE it and be so so grateful, as we here know, there are FAR worse things than death, and this suffering is the worst torture any human could ever endure, I just dont think its worth it anymore....

Ive had 31 wonderful happy years, I brought my son into this world and im so proud of him, he doesnt deserve to have me as a mother, I truly died 7 months ago and I have been replaced with a MONSTER, Im ashamed of what I have become and so so desperatly sad that I have lost the person I was forever, and that a fact, even if this ended tomorrow, theres no going back now, not once this has happened,

so what the hell do I do? I cant keep hoping that I will die overnight, but I lack the courage to take my own life, or the means, ive done alot of research into the best way to kill myself and have found the method I would use but I would have to buy a load of equipment and then Im scared it wouldnt work and then what?

anyway Im digressing, suicide, me or the drugs?

[Junior]

Iggy, you do what you have done here - reach out for help. It sounds like your suicidal ideation is simply a desire for the suffering to end. That is totally understandable. However, instead of thinking of it the way you are, I would encourage you to imagine a time when this is all over and how wonderful life will be then.

[Iggy131313]

But I cant junior, I cant see that time, I think I will be forever traumatised by this even if I do heal and so so many people never heal completely, or feel so traumatised by their experience that life is forvere changed.

I dont want life after this, I want to go back in time and for this to not happen to me, but I know thats not an option...

also the one thing people NEVER heal from is the sensitivitites to meds, there was someone on PP who was recovered in 3 years, then stated some steroid meds and went back into w/d and is not healed now after anohter 3 years have passed....so even if I heal I will never be able to move on and put it behond me, I will always be looking over my shoulder waiting for it to come back, PLUS I will never have any more children, as that threw Shea back into w/d, so like you I greive that that part of my life is over.

and with the meds thing, if I ever get really sick in the future then its game over, I will never accept treatment for ANYTHING because of the risk od w/d coming back (if it ever goes away) so if I get something serious, Im dead anyway.

I cant see a way out of this. I cant see a way back home

[Iggy131313]

Im seriously considering trying paxil to see if it will stop this

[squirrel]

Steer clear of Paxil this is what I took , very nasty drug!

[Sheila]

Iggy -- A lot of your beliefs are illusions. We've talked about neuro-emotions and the magnetizing obsession. Maybe we need to talk about neuro-beliefs. They feel real, but they are the product of feeling bad.

You will feel very differently in the future, and then your beliefs will change. You know how simply having a head cold for one day can really warp your view of your life. Then, when you feel better, you want your life again and are looking forward to things. This will take longer, but it's the same principle.

You have said that you don't create stories to explain your chemically-induced anxiety, but I would like you to consider the possibility that you do -- it is really not rational to be so adamantly sure at this point in your journey that you will never recover. That is the magnetizing obsession that *your* chemically-induced anxiety has landed on.

Lastly, I notice that you are hating yourself and feeling ashamed. Let us start helping you to address that. Maybe you can hate yourself less and feel less ashamed, and that might make a difference with the suicidal fantasies.

[Iggy131313]

You have said that you don't create stories to explain your chemically-induced anxiety, but I would like you to consider the possibility that you do -- it is really not rational to be so adamantly sure at this point in your journey that you will never recover. That is the magnetizing obsession that *your* chemically-induced anxiety has landed on.

Thats a very interesting point sheila, and your right, I am OBSESSED with w/d, I cant think about ANYTHING else, not even for a second, my truest fear is that even if I recover I wont even know because Im so so anxious about never recovering that I will make that happen.

In a way I hope your right becasue then there is a chance that it wll go away, it just all seems so hopeless.

As for not hating myself, well I cant see a way out of that one, I was so stupid and this person who does not even qualify as a human being is not me, and I hate her, I hate everything about her, I feel like someone has taken me over and is impersonating me in a terrible way, the anti-me has taken over. I dont even like being called caroline anymore because shes gone and this person is NOT her.

On the way home frm picking my son up today he was chatting away of course as Im dragging him down the pavement as fast as I can from agitation and all I could say was ''I see'' to EVERYTHING that he said, and I was thinking ''why do I keep saying that'' but Im so focused inward I can hardly hear what hes saying anymore, and I cant stop it Sheila, I cant stop it, thats what makes me ashamed, I feel so selfish but I cant seem to get outside of myself and my own suffering and fears for the future.

Im so sorry to be posting all these threads and being so needy, im in a bad place as you know, I just wish I could have 1 day, just one day of feeling ok, I know 7 months is nothing, nothing, but its been so hard and I dont know if I have the strength anymore, and Im not even off the drug.

Do you think I will be able to stop the obssessing about w/d, do you think that my obsession is a w/d symptom in itself?

[stan]

i am not an expert of suicidal ideations, when we will have to die, the time will come, no need to speed it, told me someone;
not knowing something is difficult to advice,
i thought to suicide maybe 3 times during first years, it was short and today do not think about; maybe it is normal because i know several people who are better today and wanted also die; it seem coming in first periods and go away with time; maybe the chaos in brain plays a part;

[Cosette123]

Iggy I have had those suicidal ideas for a long time in withdrawal but I did not commit suicide.I did not want to die but I wanted not to suffer anymore.Suicidal ideas are one of the w/d symptomes.They will go away with time.

[Junior]

But I cant junior, I cant see that time, I think I will be forever traumatised by this even if I do heal and so so many people never heal completely, or feel so traumatised by their experience that life is forvere changed.

I dont want life after this, I want to go back in time and for this to not happen to me, but I know thats not an option...

also the one thing people NEVER heal from is the sensitivitites to meds, there was someone on PP who was recovered in 3 years, then stated some steroid meds and went back into w/d and is not healed now after anohter 3 years have passed....so even if I heal I will never be able to move on and put it behond me, I will always be looking over my shoulder waiting for it to come back, PLUS I will never have any more children, as that threw Shea back into w/d, so like you I greive that that part of my life is over.

and with the meds thing, if I ever get really sick in the future then its game over, I will never accept treatment for ANYTHING because of the risk od w/d coming back (if it ever goes away) so if I get something serious, Im dead anyway.

I cant see a way out of this. I cant see a way back home

This is the grief thing I've mentioned before. At the moment, a large part of you wants to deny this ever happened and just go back to how you were before. Intellectually you know that can't happen but emotionally you are really struggling with it. Dealing with that emotional stuff is made a zillion times harder by the neuro-emotion of w/d, but I believe it is there nonetheless. In fact, as I think about it, your constant search for other people's experiences reminds me of the 'yearning and searching' phase of bereavement / grief. You want confirmation that all of this WILL pass because you don't want to believe you will never be that way again. People who have lost someone often display a restlessness because they just can't deal with the notion that they will never see their loved one again. They find they have to keep busy because they don't know how to deal the restlessness. Can you see the parallel?

The next step, if you follow a relatively 'normal' pattern (yes, I know w/d is not normal), will be to 'adjust to life without the deceased'. In your case that will mean adjusting to your present lifestyle rather than constantly wishing it is all over. You will pass into this phase in your own time. With grief there is no 'right' time or 'right' way to grieve. The same applies here.